Playing Hide and Seek with God

I was not looking for God when I found Him. I was going about my own business living my own life when He sought me. A commonly quoted verse states that ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. Well, I did not ask, I wasn't seeking, and I certainly never knocked.

But tonight I am asking, seeking, and knocking, desperate to connect with my Lord. But I hear nothing in reply. Why is it that when I am hiding God seeks me, and when I seek Him I feel He hides His face and voice? I have felt so distant from God for some time. I know He has not gotten further away, but I have become more distracted. So, why is it when I finally lay aside all of my distractions, I don't see Him? I am reading and praying  and yearning to feel God's touch on my heart. I know that my relationship with God does not depend on feelings, but relies on faith. But I long for another moment where I feel Him near. I am seeking but I feel as if He is hiding.

In my desire to find anything even resembling God tonight, I stumbled upon Romans 9 which eventually lead me (through footnotes) to Isaiah 65:1. "I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me, I was found by those who did not seek me." This immediately resonated with my beginnings as a believer in Jesus. I heard myself pleading with Him in that moment: "God, why are we playing Hide and Seek? Why do you seek me when I am hiding and hide when I seek You? Can't the Ask, Seek, Knock verse in Matthew be my reality tonight? I am trying so hard to connect with you. Please respond to me. Please let me know that you are still there, that you haven't forgotten your daughter even though my thoughts have turned from you. I need you always, but especially now."

And it suits that the next verse I read stated that finding God "does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy" (Romans 9:16). Go figure that it doesn't matter how hard I seek or how desperately I want to find, I can't control when or how God reveals Himself*. I just have to pray for His mercy that He will. So, as much as it feels like it, this is not a game of Hide and Seek, but more a lifestyle of Pray and Wait. I think I'll need more patience for this one...

* (And I think it's ironic that in showing me He is not required to reveal Himself, He revealed Himself. I love God's humor.)

How can we sum this up? All those people who didn't seem interested in what God was doing actually embraced what God was doing as He straightened out their lives. And Israel, who seemed so interested in reading and talking about what God was doing missed it. How could they miss it? Because instead of trusting God, they took over. They were absorbed in what they themselves were doing. they were so absorbed in their "God Projects" that they didn't notice God right in front of them, like a huge rock int he middle of the road. And so they stumbled into Him and went sprawling. Isaiah gives us the metaphor for pulling all of this together:
Careful! I've put a huge stone on the road to Mount Zion,
a stone you can't get around.
But the stone is me! If you're looking for me,
You'll find me on the way, not in the way.

-Romans 9:30-33 (Message version)