Remind Me

A good question. Still searching for the answer today.
"Tell me once again who I am to You.."



"When I lose My way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the lonliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,

Remind me who I am.
If I'm your beloved,
Can you help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you, Woh.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you.
To you.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to you.
Who I am to you.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to you.
That I belong to you, Woh.
To you."

My Thoughts on the End of the World

As 2012 is hours away, I remember back 12 years ago when many people thought Y2K was the end of the world and all electronics would crash and burn, killing everyone. That was not the case. I think back to last May when that pastor predicted the apocalypse. Ironically, I still see those billboards up. And I think to the Mayan calendar that predicts the end of the world in a year from now.

But what if tonight really was the end of the world? Would I live today any different? This is a re-post from another blog I had that shares those thoughts. These are my thoughts on the end of the world.

(Originally posted May 20, 2011 here.) 
By now, I am sure that everyone has heard of the pastor in California who is convinced that the rapture will happen on May 21, 2011 and the world will end the following October. Because that date is so near, it was on my mind as with the rest of the nation (and maybe even world). Today as I spent most of my time in airplanes and airports, making my way to visit my mom, a great song came up on my iPod. I always thought of Bruce Cockburn's "Last Night of the World" as a love song expressing no regrets in life. Today it ironically had new meaning.

The chorus goes:
"If this were the last night of the world, what would I do?
What would I do that was different, unless it was champagne with you..."

From stories I have heard, people are taking this May 21 "prophesy" in different ways. I have heard of some who have sold everything they own, quit their jobs, and have gone on vacation. Others are planning post-rapture looting parties. So, I got myself thinking: if this really was "the last night of the world", would I change the way I live? And my answer in that honest moment of personal reflection took me off-guard.

Yes, I would. But not how I would have expected. When it comes to the issue of eternity and Heaven, I am 100 % certain that whenever the rapture happens (or I die, whichever comes first) that Jesus will usher me into Heaven with open arms where I will spend eternity worshiping the Lord. And I know it's nothing I have done that has earned (or could ever earn) my place there. Instead, it is everything Jesus has done in my place. He took all of my mistakes, short-comings, and everything else labeled 'sin' and died with them on the cross. Then three days later he conquered death so I could live free of the penalty of my sins. And he did all of this because he loved me so deeply that he wanted me to know God personally and intimately, both on earth and in Heaven. And all I had to do to save my place in Heaven was acknowledge what Jesus did and receive the life he offered me wen he rose from the grave. So I wouldn't change my actions to try and get into Heaven, because I already know I am going there. But this got me thinking about everyone who is not.

If I really knew that the rapture was going to happen tomorrow, I would want to tell people. There would suddenly be a sharp urgency to my words and to my ministry. But the reality is that I don't know. I can't know when it will happen. I only know that it will. In Matthew 24 it is written that we should always be prepared and we should always be ready. So why do I live my life with calm complacency? The stark reality is, whether or not Jesus comes back tomorrow,he is coming. And I am called to live my life with that expectancy and urgency.

So, if this was the last night of the world, I would do one thing different: I would tell you about Jesus. And it makes me wonder how different my entire life would be if I lived every day as the last night of the world...  
If this were the last night of the world, what would you do differently?

          “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.

         “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."

-Matthew 24:36-44 

The Birth of the Redeemer

Redeem: v. 1. to buy back; 2. to pay off; 3. to recover
Redeemer: n. 1. a person who redeems; 2. Jesus Christ
            (credit Dictionary.com)


As all the wrapping paper pieces settle and chaos gives way to silence, I sit and reflect on Christmas. Even before I decided to follow Jesus, I heard the Christmas story year in and year out. It seems to have lost its awe. It seems to have lost its wonder. A virgin teenager really gave birth to the Son of God in a smelly barn? Really?? And He came to not only save the nation of Israel, but the whole world?? Really??? This story is no longer new and wondrous, but old and stale. It is hard for me to remember the miracle that Christmas is all about. But it truly is miraculous that Christmas not only celebrates the birth of the Savior, but also the redemption of us all.

As I have been finding new reflections to freshen this Christmas season, I was surprised to find that the official definition of Redeemer is Jesus. Even secular, non-bias sources see Jesus Christ as not only a redeemer, but The Redeemer. So, I have found my fresh perspective on Christmas as I reflect on how I was redeemed. I am in awe of the ways Jesus has saved my life, saved those in my life, and blessed the road ahead. I am Redeemed because He is the Redeemer.

Thank you LORD for saving me, for redeeming me, for setting me free. Thank you for loving me so much that you paid the ultimate price to redeem my life from the ultimate bondage. And thank you for allowing me to spend your birthday celebration with those I love so dearly. Thank you LORD. I love you. 


*Looking for a fresh look at the Christmas story? Check out this cute video...

Looking 3 Years Back and 150 Days Forward

Three years ago today I took a risk and began a journey with my best friend. I had no idea where it would end up, but I knew I had to take that risk of heartache and disappointment and find out.

For the months leading up to December 7, 2008, Josh did everything he could to convince me I should date him. But looking at the situation, I was hesitant and doubtful. He was a freshman just starting college, and I was senior about to graduate college. Where could this even go except an untimely death and heartbreak? It took months to even allow myself to have a crush on him. He was (and still is) an attractive and charming man of God. What's not to like about that? But I couldn't get over the fear of risking it all and ending up alone.

It was an act of God that convinced me to date Josh. I knew in my heart that even if he was one year older, I would have thrown myself at his feet. But because of my hesitancy, it forced me to rely on God and his leading in a way I had never done before. Through listening to a song (you can read more of that story by clicking here) I realized I had been guarding my heart too hard and wasn't letting anyone in. God was asking me what the worst outcome could be and when thinking about it that way, it wasn't so bad. Especially when comparing that to the best possible outcome.

So, I agreed to date him and the conversations that followed are quite indicative of our relationship. We both agreed that two things needed to happen before we could date: talking to our other best friend and talking to my dad. Josh is very traditional and wanted to ask my father's permission to date me. We had formed a little three Musketeers group, so we knew we also had to talk to Jackie, the third Musketeer. Josh was under the impression that once these things happen, we would be dating. I was under the impression that once these things happen, we would have another conversation to officially start dating. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I get a text asking, "So, we're legit now, right?" I was furious. Even though it lead to a mini-fight, it makes a great story now.

December 7, 2008: After a long, tearful, but amazing conversation.

But we ended up having a great first official date on December 7th. We bared our souls to each other and found forgiveness and acceptance like I never even knew was possible. And over the past three years it hasn't been easy; there have been times of heartache and times of doubt, but when those happened, it all came down to what I wanted. And I couldn't imagine my life without Josh. He was what I wanted.

So now, looking forward, I am excited for what lies ahead of us. In 150 days we will be husband and wife, and I look forward to having the rest of our lives to continue to learn about each other and grow with each other and get old with each other. And I know it won't all be wedded bliss, but I will be with my best friend forever, so to me, it will all be worth it.

I love you Joshua. Happy Three Years, and I look very much forward to being your wife in 150 days... but who's counting? ;)

Something Heavenly

I love my job. But like all things in life, it's hard. It was especially hard tonight to see one of my girls wrought by fear and pain from her past. After comforting her, I cried harder than I have in a while and my heart fissured into a million tiny pieces. It's not fair. How could anyone so young and beautiful and vibrant be so crippled by fear that they remain paralyzed? It's so easy to get annoyed and frustrated by their attitudes and actions, but there's nothing like a humble dose of reality to remind you why they have attitudes and why they act as they do. I am so filled with compassion and empathetic pain that my soul aches.

Tonight I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I pray that God's presence would fill this place and dispel all fear. I pray that these broken girls would grow and blossom into strong and courageous women. I pray that the Lord would fill them with His Spirit and it would transform them from the inside out. I pray for healing and love to abound. I pray for radical change in their hearts and in their lives. I pray for peace.

I was talking and crying to my roommate about how my heart literally ached and that I don't think I can pray hard enough or loud enough. I told her that, "I know God hears my prayers, I just don't know how powerful they are to move mountains, and with these girls, mountains need to be moved." To which she replied, "That's why He brought you to them. They can't move mountains on their own."

While processing this, these lyrics came on the radio:
"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but I believe you're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something Heavenly." 


My heart feels like chaos, but I know all of this is bigger than me. The girls, their stories, my story, working here, it's something heavenly. That brings comfort to my breaking heart tonight.

I Heart Josh!

Last week a chapter of my life got a fitting bookend. My time dating Josh started with a concert, and it turns out it ended with a concert too.

For the past five years, my friend Jess and I have been enormously huge fans of Josh Wilson, before he even produced his first official record, let alone received a spot on the top of the Christian music charts. His best friend from high school, also named Josh, lives in Salt Lake City and they would often do concerts together at the tiny chapel at the University. That's when I first heard Josh Wilson. I paid $2 to get into the concert and $5 for a plain white CD with "Josh Wilson Unreleased Tracks" written on it. I knew he was a talented musician from the first chord he played. He has unique sound equipment that records what he plays and can record and playback multiple tracks at once, thus sounding like a whole band from one man. Jess, who was my roommate back then, and I would blast Josh Wilson's music whenever we would clean our house and find motivation from singing his music at the top of our lungs. Our favorite song by far was "The Saints."

My senior year of college Josh Wilson got his big break and got his first song in the top 20 of Christian music and went on tour with Matthew West. When Jess and I heard that the tour was passing through Grand Junction, CO, we decided to drive the 4.5 hours to see him. Then Freshmen, Jackie and Josh decided to join us. We made tee shirts and had a blast on our roadtrip. Josh Wilson even recognized me and Jess from the times he had played in Salt Lake. Not to mention he was extremely flattered that we professed our love of his music on our pretty pink chests. And he wrote a blog about us, so we were flattered too.

So, when we heard that Josh Wilson was on tour with Steven Curtis Chapman and had a concert in Idaho Falls, we knew we had to make that drive and reunite the 4 original roadtrippers with our bright pink tee shirts. Wanting to hear "The Saints" like we yelled for at every concert, I began tweeting Josh Wilson a week in advance, in hopes of hearing our favorite song at his concert. He didn't play it, but tweeted me back to meet us by the curtain after the show so he could give us a private concert. It was seriously the coolest thing ever. You can watch the video below. The concert as a whole was also really amazing.

Going to the concert was such a beautiful bookend not only for Josh and Jackie's college career, but also for  me and Josh's dating relationship. For months I refused to date Josh because he was a freshman and I was a senior and I couldn't see it going anywhere. Then one night I was crying out to God, asking him what I should do. I was listening to one of Josh Wilson's unreleased songs, and God spoke back to me through the chorus. "They always told me I should guard my heart, but who are they anyway. Nobody told me not to guard too hard, that's why they never stay." I knew I was guarding my heart too hard and not willing to wait and see if God would move the relationship to something more. And it was shortly after that first concert roadtrip that I agreed to date Josh and see where it would go. So, how beautiful that three years later, we would go to his concert again and shortly after which, end our dating relationship... by getting engaged! God's timing is beautiful. :)

You can check out Josh Wilson's music by clicking here. 
And please ignore the few places where I sing along in the video. I was really excited and couldn't help myself ;)

The Engagement Story

As I write this, I feel so distracted because every time I move my left hand a sparkle catches my eye and my train of thought is replaced with, "Oooohhhh.... Preeeetttyyyy..." After 3 days I am still getting used to the glittering rock that adorns my finger. I also have moments quite often where I randomly remember, "Oh! I am engaged!! I am getting Married!!!!!!" And then I huge dorky smile races across my face. Good thing I am too high on Cloud 9 to care what my face looks like. It helps that no one even notices because they're all too busy staring at my ring and asking me the story. And after retelling it a few hundred times already, I thought it would be a good idea to write it down and just refer people to my blog to read it. It'll at least save my vocal chords! So, without further ado, here is 'the story'...

Saturday was the Navy's birthday ball, and Josh hates Navy Ball. Every year he is in a bad mood due to the "mandatory fun" required of him. Ironic, because he doesn't have much fun at all. I, however, love Navy Ball. It is one of my favorite events all year. I love dressing up and going out for an evening all dolled up and feeling extraordinarily beautiful. But every year Josh's grumpiness brings my excitement down a few notches. So, Friday night he asked to take me out to breakfast to butter me up and store up brownie points for the following evening. When I told my roommates that, they snickered and told me that if he was going to take me out to breakfast at 8 o'clock in the morning, it better be freaking magical. I laughed but didn't think anything of it.

Well, I got a call waking me up the next morning from Josh, asking me to let him in. Confused, asking why he was at my door when I was supposed to pick him up in 30 minutes, I opened the door to find my handsome man holding a bouquet of roses that were beautiful, but imperfect just like our relationship (according to him). I was stunned by his effort and thought he must really be buttering me up! I changed out of my pj's and into nicer clothes and higher heels (per Josh's request), and we left for breakfast.

At breakfast I joked with him about how Morgan and Jackie said our breakfast ought to be magical, and to that he devoured his biscuits and gravy and exclaimed that his breakfast magically disappeared! We laughed and joked and had a good time. After breakfast Josh drove me up one of the local canyons to try and see the fall colors. The leaves had already fallen, but it was still beautiful. We stopped at the trailhead at the top of the canyon where many late-night conversations happened that eventually lead us to date over three years ago. We had never been there during the day and enjoyed the view of the mountains and the valley below. He lovingly asked me if we could do a devotion together. My heart fluttered at the rare opportunity to dig into God's Word together. We read over 1 Corinthians 13 to reflect on what love truly is and how to apply those principles into our relationship. Josh concluded that I am patient and kind and am not arrogant or rude and that he needs to be more like me. I laughed. We spent some time praying and then Josh suggested we should explore some one of the trails. I looked hesitantly down at my high heels, but agreed to explore. But I did so with the understanding that if our hike ruined the high heels he told me to wear, he would buy me a new pair of shoes. :)

I climbed the hill/mountain trail with surprising ease despite my footwear and nagging cough and cold. But the view from the top was worth it. It was beautiful. even though the leaves had already fallen, it was slightly cloudy and crisp, but quiet and serene. We were eye to eye with the nearby peaks, and it was stunning. He held me close against him and told me that it was so beautiful, but not as beautiful as me. I love when Josh is cheesy and romantic. The funny part was though that he said that exact phrase six times in a row! And when he repeatedly pushed me away and then pulled me close over and over, I knew something was up. I couldn't tell if he was nervous or just being funny. But before I could really think about that, he got down on one knee. My eyes immediately went wider than my sockets and I started freaking out. I kept saying, "SHUT UP! NO WAY!! OH MY GOSH!!! YOU'RE TOTALLY KIDDING ME!!!!" over and over and he couldn't get a word in edgewise. Needless to say I was shocked. I knew it was coming, but I had been given false information stating that it wouldn't happen till after Thanksgiving. So I was genuinely surprised. Once he was finally able to squeak out, "Amie, will you marry me?" I freaked out even more. "OH MY GOSH!!!! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!!!! SERIOUSLY???? I mean, YES!! Of course! YES!! YES!!!!" We kissed and savored that moment in each others' arms and admired the view sparkling from my finger as well as the scenery. It felt so surreal, like a dream you'd never want to wake up from. Afterwards he told me that he was nervous about what he would say. Haha. Little did he know that I wouldn't even give him a chance to say much of anything!

Now, having a few days to process, I still have my moments where I wonder if I'm dreaming because it seems unreal to be able to marry the man of my dreams. Josh and I are so perfect for each other. By no means are we perfect, but we compliment each other so uniquely that I can't imagine myself with anyone else. Following this story, many have also asked me if I'm prepared to be a Navy wife. Honestly, I have no real idea what that entails. But I know that being able to walk with Josh in life is worth the sacrifice that is inevitable. And I know that if God really does have a perfect plan for my life and marrying Josh is part of it, then I know he's been preparing me (and will continue) to deal with the challenges of military life. But the best part of this story is knowing that marriage is a commitment, and there's no one better to commit your life to than your best friend. I love you Joshua. 

Showing off my ring and my fiance at the Navy Ball that night. What a great looking couple!
Can't believe this wonderful man will soon be my husband :)

Manifesto

Manifesto:  n. /ˌmanəˈfestō/ 
                    A declaration of principles, ideas, intentions, ambitions, or actions. 


A manifesto is a powerful thing. One of the most famous is the Communist Manifesto written by German political theorists Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels. Written in 1848, it presents the Marxists ideas about the nature of society and politics, particularly with class struggles. Today it is considered one of the most powerful political manuscripts. But it started as two individuals voicing what they believed to be true.  


Belief is a powerful thing. It shifts perspectives and perceptions. It powers thoughts and actions. It shapes cultures and nations. What would have happened if Martin Luther King Jr. didn't believe that his infamous dream could ever become reality? What would have happened if the American colonists believed in the monarchy of England? What would have happened if our ancestors really believed the world was flat and believed the coast of Ireland was the end of the world? What if Martin Luther believed that the Bible should only be read in Latin and in mass? What would have happened if the apostles believed Jesus really was dead? Belief is a powerful thing. 


I went to a concert last night to see The City Harmonic, who are known for their song "Manifesto." The lyrics combine the Nicene Creed, the Lord's Prayer, and the story of the Bible to declare their beliefs about the world. These are the same beliefs Christians have had throughout history. And it is this belief that has shaped, shifted, and empowered my life. Today, this is my manifesto... 

The City Harmonic performing "Manifesto"

Me, Josh, Jackie, and the band

I Get Paid for This?? Seriously???

The best jobs are the ones that don't even feel like jobs. I know I haven't even been working for a whole week and have barely even started the honeymoon phase, but I love my job. I am an assistant at Utah Youth Village working in one of their residential treatment facilities for teenage girls. So far I've gotten paid for doing a puzzle, having a dance party, watching a soccer game, cooking, reading, and best of all, talking. Can't beat that! I know the job has difficult parts (like the hours and discipline), but overall, they are just teenage girls who just need love. Plus, it's in what seems like a remote part of the world on a farm with tons of horses. It's a great environment and despite what it feels like, it's not really that far away at all. A new girl came yesterday, so I know it's just going to get harder as she adjusts and more girls come, but it was so clear that God opened this door for me, and it's so clear already that this is a good fit for me.

My job is assisting the live-in staff, but right now, there are no live-in staff. So, needless to say I'm working a lot. But the days pass so quickly it doesn't even seem like I am working. I don't get to see my roommates much, or Josh even, but the Lord provided this job, so hopefully He will still provide for those relationships despite the busyness.

All in all, I find myself loving what I am doing because I know it's a good fit for me. How many people can say that? So grateful :)

The puzzle I did with the girls and my co-worker. Piecing together those brick pieces were a beast! 

Josh, my pilot boyfriend, did a fly-over at their soccer game on Saturday. I tried to take a picture of his plane, but I couldn't see the screen. Even though I missed the plane, it's a cool picture anyway!

The view of the campus from our driveway. SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Playing Hide and Seek with God

I was not looking for God when I found Him. I was going about my own business living my own life when He sought me. A commonly quoted verse states that ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. Well, I did not ask, I wasn't seeking, and I certainly never knocked.

But tonight I am asking, seeking, and knocking, desperate to connect with my Lord. But I hear nothing in reply. Why is it that when I am hiding God seeks me, and when I seek Him I feel He hides His face and voice? I have felt so distant from God for some time. I know He has not gotten further away, but I have become more distracted. So, why is it when I finally lay aside all of my distractions, I don't see Him? I am reading and praying  and yearning to feel God's touch on my heart. I know that my relationship with God does not depend on feelings, but relies on faith. But I long for another moment where I feel Him near. I am seeking but I feel as if He is hiding.

In my desire to find anything even resembling God tonight, I stumbled upon Romans 9 which eventually lead me (through footnotes) to Isaiah 65:1. "I revealed myself to those who did not ask for me, I was found by those who did not seek me." This immediately resonated with my beginnings as a believer in Jesus. I heard myself pleading with Him in that moment: "God, why are we playing Hide and Seek? Why do you seek me when I am hiding and hide when I seek You? Can't the Ask, Seek, Knock verse in Matthew be my reality tonight? I am trying so hard to connect with you. Please respond to me. Please let me know that you are still there, that you haven't forgotten your daughter even though my thoughts have turned from you. I need you always, but especially now."

And it suits that the next verse I read stated that finding God "does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy" (Romans 9:16). Go figure that it doesn't matter how hard I seek or how desperately I want to find, I can't control when or how God reveals Himself*. I just have to pray for His mercy that He will. So, as much as it feels like it, this is not a game of Hide and Seek, but more a lifestyle of Pray and Wait. I think I'll need more patience for this one...

* (And I think it's ironic that in showing me He is not required to reveal Himself, He revealed Himself. I love God's humor.)

How can we sum this up? All those people who didn't seem interested in what God was doing actually embraced what God was doing as He straightened out their lives. And Israel, who seemed so interested in reading and talking about what God was doing missed it. How could they miss it? Because instead of trusting God, they took over. They were absorbed in what they themselves were doing. they were so absorbed in their "God Projects" that they didn't notice God right in front of them, like a huge rock int he middle of the road. And so they stumbled into Him and went sprawling. Isaiah gives us the metaphor for pulling all of this together:
Careful! I've put a huge stone on the road to Mount Zion,
a stone you can't get around.
But the stone is me! If you're looking for me,
You'll find me on the way, not in the way.

-Romans 9:30-33 (Message version)

Being Grateful

I heard a sermon this past weekend on what it means to be grateful. Honestly, I don't remember exactly what the pastor said, but it got me thinking about what I am grateful for. I can get so caught up in so much else, that I often forget. So, I began to think about it in church and started to cry. I've been thinking a lot about it since and decided I needed to write a list. So, this is my abridged list, because today, I could go on forever and ever...

Jesus and his gift of free Life
God's unending forgiveness and sovereignty
The ability to pray freely and be heard unconditionally
That my parents are alive (two of them were caught in the Joplin tornado in May)
A loving family
Three wonderful parents
Mary and her powerful and unending prayers
Josh and his physical, emotional, and spiritual protection over me
Jackie and her unconditional truth, grace, and love
Julie and her pioneer ministry and determination to declare the Gospel with her life
Amazing friendships that transcend time and proximity
My family in Christ
A place to live and enough money to survive
Political and spiritual freedom
Those who have served to protect this country at all times, especially the last decade
Time to think today about what I am grateful for
People who have interest in possibly wanting to hire me
Sunshine, mountains, flowers, and a beautiful city
A place where I can fully relax
Books and my passion for reading
My education and training to write well
Getting to share my heart and thoughts with you through this blog
People willing and wanting to read my blog (Thanks!)
Music
Art
Intellect
Strength and weaknesses
Desire to live a legacy
My life, God's protection, and God's provision
Ability to see what God has saved me from and what He's saving me for

There's so much more, but for the sake of time and space, I'll leave it at this... for now...