A Moment to Ponder Life

I am at work (what's new) and taking a moment to ponder the state of my life. I work, all the time, and I am really quickly getting into the nitty gritty details of planning a wedding and don't know what to do. There have been so many ideas for so many things, which has been great. But now it's decision time. Not like that's a bad thing; in 10 years who will really care if my centerpieces were on a mirror or the plain tablecloth? But there are so many decisions and it feels like not much time is left to make them all and put it all into motion in time. And anyone who knows me can attest that I suck at making decisions, especially when I am stressed and a lot is riding on those decisions. So, I find myself asking: what's it all for? 

Marriage. Sure the wedding is a fun party, but what really matters is the marriage it celebrates. 

So looking forward, after these details are behind me, what's next? Moving to an unknown place at an unknown time, where my husband will be almost immediately deployed and will continue to be for the majority of our first year of marriage. I will be left not only to unpack our recently merged life by myself, but I will also have to figure out a new place, a new life, and a totally new culture called the Navy. And most all of it I will have to figure out on my own. Whoopie. Needless to say, this part I am not excited about.

No matter how many times I get asked this question, it always shocks me why someone would think to ask it. "Wow. You're about to become a Navy Wife. How can you be so okay with that? Do you know what you're getting yourself into?" Of course I have no idea what I'm getting myself into!! All I know about military life  I have learned from watching Army Wives and from what Josh (and his mom) have told me. And all I've really learned is that you dive in head-first and hope to learn as you go. Let's just say I've always learned best by knowing first, diving second. 

But regardless of how uncertain I am of how I will emotionally survive, I have always been certain of one thing: no matter what I may face in this life or in our marriage, I know that Josh is worth it. Josh is worth the uncertainty. Josh is worth the heartache. Josh is worth the lonliness. I know for a fact that I would rather live with him for a few short months out of a year than live my life without him completely. I've tried to live without him, and clearly, that didn't go so well. Otherwise we wouldn't be getting married in 50 days. 

I will never forget a conversation Josh and I had shortly after we met. He was trying to get to the bottom of why I wouldn't date him. All of his confidence suddenly deflated from within him as he asked, "It's because I am in the military, isn't it..." 

Shocked, my face became squinched as I exclaimed, "What?!? NO! That thought never even crossed my mind!" His ego quickly filled again. "It has nothing to do with your career choice! You're three years younger than me!!!" He didn't seem to find much of anything wrong with this reason, because he hasn't stopped pursuing me since. :)

There are 50 days, countless details, (what seems like) endless planning, and vast uncertainties between me and Mrs. Amie Lou, but I know that none of that matters. I am not choosing the life ahead of me; I am choosing Josh. And that's all I need to know...